co629937

co629937 @ 2005-05-10T03:59:00

2005-05-10T07:59:43Z

I've learned more in the past 24 hours than I have in the past year. I know now that we all have a reason for being where we are, for being who we're around, at that time. There's no grand purpose for all of us in the future, no fate telling us that we have to be a certain way in order to wind up happy. What matters is that we make the most of right now, that we live for it and realize: no matter what's going on, that things couldn't get any better. If we do what feels right, we'll be better than OK...we'll be ourselves.

co629937 @ 2005-05-10T03:58:00

2005-05-10T07:58:49Z

MUST...FINISH...PAPER...

To everyone who reads this, and some of you who don't...

2005-05-09T01:55:50Z

Apparently a lot more people read this than I had expected. Now that I've cooled off, I'm going to continue what I started last night, because some more stuff needs to be said. I'm not going to pretend that what happened yesterday didn't upset me at all, because it did. That being said, I suppose I could have spoken about it a little bit more openly (and civilly). At the time, I was mad. Basically, all the bad stuff that's happened all year finished building up last night. I regret that it was directed at the wrong people. I guess I should say, because it wasn't clear from last night, that I DO NOT hate any of the people I was talking about, or anyone else. Not now, not ever. You're all good people. Anyway, now that this is all out of my system, I'm better, and I hope things can be better. I'll see you all Thursday night for the movie night. I'll be there, and I'll be talking, as usual. For now, I just thought I'd leave the words to one of my favorite songs. If you've heard of it, congrats, and if you've haven't, get it. It's good stuff.

"Until The Day I Die" by Story of the Year

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die too
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

Yeah I'd spill my heart
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
*NOTE: I don't actually think I hate anyone

Fuck you guys

2005-05-08T07:32:10Z

I haven't posted on this thing in a while. That's because I was hanging out with some people. I say "people" instead of "friends" because I'm questioning whether they really are, given the way they've treated me lately. Today, as I was hanging out with them, they all decided that they were going to go out tonight (well, Saturday night, actually). As they were talking about this, they made they stated rather plainly that I wouldn't be able to go, and that they weren't willing to make any effort so that I could. One of them handed my friend an old ID of theirs, saying "You could use this, you look a lot like me in that picture." First of all, no one looked for one that I could use. Second of all, they didn't bother to see about going to a place that I could get into, or doing something that would include everyone. No, that would require some basic decency. I feel that I at least deserve that. Hell, every person does. I acknowledge the fact that these people have the right to do what they want. However, they don't have to make all these plans, over a good duration of time, with me standing right there. In my mind, that would be like me having a group of friends standing around, and inviting them all to a party except one or two. That's just a shitty thing to do to people. If they were going to go, they could have at least planned it without me there. It still would have sucked, with them leaving me here and going out, but at least then I wouldn't have known, and gotten pissed about it as a result. I'M TIRED OF BEING A FUCKING CHUMP TO THESE PEOPLE.

co629937 @ 2005-05-02T03:27:00

2005-05-02T07:27:28Z

It's weird...on one hand, I'm ready to get out of here. On the other hand, I don't want my entire first year of college to go down as a complete and total failure, and I wish that something would happen to redeem it, to make this all finally worth the trouble. I used to say that I just wanted to be happy with my life; now I just want to never remember any of these past eight or so months. Not a single detail. I have nothing to show for my time here. I want to be somewhere that I don't feel like the fifth wheel...and where people let me know this by their actions, and not their shallow assurances after the fact. I would give just about anything to have all this time taken back and spent somewhere else. Not that it would make any difference.

No matter where I go, there's no reason for me to stay.

co629937 @ 2005-05-01T04:32:00

2005-05-01T08:32:31Z

There are less than two weeks left until school's done. I know I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again: this year has been a nightmare. One that I couldn't wake up from. It never seemed to let up, ever. For most people around here, life has had its ups and downs. In my case, life was about finding about how deep the bottom was for me. Despite all that's happened, I have a feeling that I haven't reached that depth yet. I'm sick of going to activities with Newman people, and being the only one not enjoying them. It's not like I walk in expecting these things to automatically suck. I'm getting sick of having to constantly assure people that I'm fine, just to avoid answering their questions. It's not like those questions will lead to helpful answers anyway; I'm starting to feel like a chump for showing up time after time, when it never gets any better. In fact, not only would it be better for me if I didn't go, I'm sure that the others would have more fun without me dragging them down.

co629937 @ 2005-04-28T03:44:00

2005-04-28T07:44:09Z

I just wish I could have been around sooner...

co629937 @ 2005-04-27T01:35:00

2005-04-27T05:35:35Z

I haven't written anything in this for a while. Oh well, not like anything's different. There's maybe a week of classes left. I can't wait to get out of here. This year has been a nightmare. Not so much for everyone else, but for me personally. I can't remember having a worse time doing anything else. They say that most of what you get out of college comes outside of the classroom. I'll keep my credits; they can have the rest. I don't want it. I would give anything if it meant that this year never happened. It's not like that would make a difference to someone else. I wouldn't wish this sort of life on my worst enemy...I just wish it wasn't on me.

co629937 @ 2005-04-22T00:12:00

2005-04-22T04:12:21Z

You have a chance to really shine now
Well patience never was one of your true virtues
Stop trying to control everything and fuck what they say,
what do you have to prove?

So why am I waiting, this time that I'm wasting,
if that's what you mean

How will this be when all is said and done,
Will I know where I'm from?
Remember me
Where will I be,
I guess I'm on the run and time is catching up behind me

I'm scared to be the only one who sees
The hourglass run dry 'cause too much time went by
Why do I try to prove that I will be ready for everything thrown at me

These thoughts trickle down, imaginary lines cut through the ground
So why am I waiting, this time that I'm wasting,
if that's what you mean

co629937 @ 2005-04-22T00:02:00

2005-04-22T04:02:33Z

So mass and dinner weren't a complete disaster tonight. I still feel like I never have anything to talk about when I'm there. That's probably my fault, as I never have anything meaningful to talk about. Well, at least nothing that's meaningful to anyone else. Just once, I wish I could find someone to relate to. Maybe then I could stop spending so much money on some goddamned video games to occupy my ample free time. The worst part is that in high school, when my life was like this, I could just leave at the end of the day, go home, and for a few hours every day during the week, stuff was better. Now, it's all the time, and it never gets better.

"Fear comes from uncertainty. When we are absolutely certain, whether of our worth or worthlessness, we are almost impervious to fear."

co629937 @ 2005-04-21T02:40:00

2005-04-21T06:40:56Z

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday, but that's not saying much. Something still feels very much out of place. As long as I keep occupied, that becomes easier to forget. I have a bunch of crap that needs to be done by the end of Thursday, and it's mostly low-stress stuff, which is good. I have mass and dinner coming up soon too, which almost always spells disaster. No reason to really believe that something different will happen this time around. I'll probably end up leaving early again, since sticking around usually consists of me drinking way too much soda by myself, while there are at least three conversations about baseball going on. Good times. I just wish that things would fall into place for me, like they have for pretty much everyone else. Maybe they will soon. Wait...who am I kidding? This is me we're talking about.

co629937 @ 2005-04-20T01:39:00

2005-04-20T05:56:46Z

So I went home today to get some laundry done. It got me away from the campus, which is always a good thing. I hate being around here. It seems like I'm the only one (compared to the people I regularly see) that's miserable most, if not all of the time. I'm sick of being this way, and I'm sure most everyone else is sick of it too. I just wish it would work out sooner rather than later. Things seem to have come together for many people around here, and I still feel like my life is a bunch of loose ends. All I need now is something/someone to bring it all together.

co629937 @ 2005-04-19T03:08:00

2005-04-19T07:30:02Z

You know, I never thought I'd be writing one of these LiveJournal things. Man, things have changed. Just saw this one movie (got a free pass), Hostage, and it was good, except for the seeing it by myself part. Seems like that's how I do everything now. Going to the mall, getting something to eat, sitting in my room, whatever. I'd like to believe that things will eventually work out for the best, but I'm starting to have a hard time buying that. I signed up for some official positions in the Newman club next year, though I'm not sure why. Every time I go somewhere with that group, I feel like I'm tagging along. I doubt a title will make my presence matter any more to those people, but I guess time will tell if I'm right about that. Then again, I can't say that I really blame them, since I really haven't given anyone in that group, or around here in general, any reason to want to get to know me. Oh well, at least writing this may help somewhat...